Vulnerability № 2: “Deservingness” Gives Birth to Intricacy

He had sleepless nights and restless sleeps. There was a constant disturbance in his mind that he couldn’t quite name but felt it fill his entire mind up until the very brim.

He wanted to be something, become someone so all the people who did not reply to him when he wanted to learn the work from them, whom he approached to ask for help, everyone, will look at him and know his name. They didn’t have to remember him as the same person who once came to them — just know who he is and remember the name — because he’s making his way just that fast and stronger.

That was another thing he wanted — grow not just fast, but also strong, so nothing could ever cripple that growth down. However, not once did he stop to think while making a decision towards doing something, to wonder if that path will lead him to a that kind of growth. He believed growth comes from taking steps and doing whatever it takes. The strength, he further believed, came from sticking to the decisions taken and learning from every decision that staunchly fails.

It sounded like a cliche whenever he shared these thoughts to anyone, so he talking — beyond a point, the world listens not to understand but to label. Someone who tells you the same thing as everyone else is a cliche even if it’s the truth. They want newer solutions to the older problems. Growth has only to do with consistency in attempts and the decision to get back up when fallen down — this had however become a cliche. Not just this. Many such ideas.

He realised making a difference wasn’t all easy.

You see, he was motivated for the first one week. No matter what, he thought, he will be motivated. Then realised that motivation doesn’t last long. What was taking a long time for him to digest was the fact that it’s him who needs to motivate and push himself to the end. Nobody and nothing could do that for him. No matter what.

A lot of his beliefs — rather the romanticised ideas — were getting shattered too quickly. It was as if a huge lego structure he built was coming off, piece by piece. And it’s him removing them one at a time to rebuild something he doesn’t know how it looks. He was going a piece at a time. He was learning the lessons of letting go and starting before knowing where to go.

Too many metaphors? One of the things he was battling was, although it might sound irrational and unnecessary — you never know how the brain works of someone who’s constantly been through over thinking through life — whether he made a name for himself or whether he got a name because he started working with someone who already has the fame. He couldn’t understand whether he was self-built.

He didn’t know if he is really a good artist — a photographer, writer and leader or whether he’s just really good at being able to pretend to be one. Somehow, the world fed him an idea of “deservingness” — so he keeps asking himself every now and then whether he deserves what he has. He feels scared to tell himself that he’s been nothing but lucky. Now, there’s that uncertainty too, whether that thought is true or just a baseless fear that overthinking gave birth to. Whatever it was, the mind was getting more intricate by thoughts with every second day.